Regret
by Rainbowhawk1993
Summary: Former Delta Force soldier Ryan Miller signed up to go to Pandora to use his combat skills for the RDA and to get a good pay out of it. But after the battle to destroy the indigenous threat had gone completely wrong, Ryan is left behind in the choas. Now, crippled and alone in the forest, he reflects on his actions and endures the regret that came with them.
1. Chapter 1

Regret

Ryan looked up into the canopy of the forest that obscured most of the sky. His eyes peered past the reflective surface of his exo-pack mask and focused on the pact of blue sky he saw through a hole in the dense collection of leaves and branches reaching out from the trees. He breathed slowly feeling the alien planet's sun casting its rays onto the back of his neck and seeing some of the ray's shine down through holes in the canopy across his view. One would say that a person seeing such a site would easily feel at peace sitting in middle of the green scenery and seeing the beautiful view in the sky. That would be true for some people except that it was impossible for someone like him. Even with the sounds of guns, screams, roars and engines long gone and no bodies or scorched earth littering the scene around him, no peace could ever come to him.

Ryan sat on the floor of the forest up against a log he crawled up next to. Both of his legs were useless after what happened so all he could do was sit around and wait. His left hand lay on his wound he had on his waist that steadily dripped with his own blood. His right hand was free and lay next to his pistol that lay on top of his right hip with a fresh clip in it and his half used clip next to it. He switched clips to have a full clip ready for a moment's notice and kept the rest of his remaining ammo for safe measures.

Ryan wasn't much of a religious person, coming from a town that was on a planet that hardly had any guidance anymore. But now, looking back, he was sure that if the lord still existed, whether the people were oblivious to him or not, Ryan was sure he would put him down into hell. Although, he wondered if the lord actually reached out all the way out here and that all the sinners who died here would be put in a similar hole under the unearthly ground.

They said that if there was a hell, he should go there for some R and R after his tour here. They said this was worse than hell with its unimaginably large animals with razor teeth and claws that could strip bone down to marrow in seconds. But when he thought about it, if he were in hell, he'd feel it was more comforting, if you could ever feel comfortable in hell, to have it be more colorful and to have it in open daylight rather than be in a dark inferno underneath the ground while being tortured for all the sins the soul committed for all eternity.

But, then again, Jesus and his father weren't the only ones believed to deal with the souls of the dead. He had overheard gossip among the other staff members that the natives had their own belief in afterlife with their deity whom they believed protected them. The troops and others joked on about how these people thought all their souls were absorbed into the ground and lived in "Sacred trees." Ryan didn't comment or put much thought into the idea, not deciding to state whether it was ridiculous or not. He was here to shoot, not to think after all.

But after the assault to eradicate the native threat once-and-for-all fell apart in one instant, with the horde of angry animals charging through the line, he began to think about that deity protection thing again. He wondered if that deity actually existed and got pissed off at him and the rest of the troops for killing so much of her followers whom she watched over. He heard from the gossip that it was a she.

Moreover, since he and the other spec ops people weren't apart of her followers and they slaughtered so much of her followers who stayed in the stone age for her, he wondered if this higher power had something similar to a hell to put him and the rest of the defilers in. Other people would think these thoughts would be so silly and the thinker would was way out of line. Still, Ryan thought his thoughts because it was all he could do now. He didn't care about what the others thought nor would the others think about him anymore.

Shame, regret, and remorse that came too late to mean anything was all that he felt now. He didn't feel the pain from his broken legs and his blood spot in his gut from the pain killers he injected into himself. He lost his bandages in the firefight so all he could do was wait. All the shame and guilt was all he could think about when he reflected on himself and the events of the three months he was stationed up here when he looked up at the sky.

With his fading strength, Ryan leaned himself forward and reached behind into one of his uniform's many pockets. He grunted with pain as his struggled to pull out the item his was looking for. He leaned back onto the log exhaling from the painful move. When he was shipped out form earth he had brought his old journal he kept from his time serving in the Delta Force alone with him. He didn't really need it because he would report to his video log after everyday like everyone else did. But he brought it along because he felt that since the higher officials could view any employee's log, he brought his journal along to jot done material he felt was a little too sensitive for the video.

Ryan skimmed through all his entries from his tours around the word in the Force and made it to his first entry on Pandora. After he emerged from the shuttle after he slept for 5 years, walked into the base and into the barracks, he recorded and wrote his account of his first day on the job. From then on he recorded most of the basic stuff but on some days, when he had more time, he wrote down the more personal things. When he looked back at his words, he smiled at what they said. It was a smile that you would have made when you look back at yourself and think of how stupid you were back then. But the smile disappeared and depression and regret soon returned. When he continued to read the entries, it was as if he could see his own reflection on the pages and he was very ashamed of what he saw from it. He knew that if a hell existed here, this confirmed that he would go there no doubt.

Without anything that mattered anymore, Ryan flipped to the latest entry, read it and, shortly afterward, he took out the pen that was with the book, flipped to the next page and began to write his final entry.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Just so you know, it will be a while before the next chapter because I need to plan out the story and do research on the film and I have College weighing me down big time. Just thought I get this out to give you a sort of sneak peek at my next project that's following A Better Tomorrow.

This idea came to me from a suggestion by one of the reviews by Ragnarok666 on "A Better Tomorrow" so I thank him for it. And this story was also inspired by the Halo: Evolutions short story "Dirt."

Hope you enjoy it and follow it when I get going! :)


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Ryans father was one of those husbands who showed commitment to his wife. They married and produced Ryan later. But at age 14, mom was struck down with cancer and died shortly afterward. In the 22nd century, they could cure cancer but dad didn't have enough money to get the right treatments before it was too late. After that, everything became difficult. The relationship between father and son soured like a lot of single parent families did.

Ryan struggled with a number of classes in school but managed to come up with C's and B's. After barely graduating, he went straight to the Army recruiter station. His time with his father did have its downs like blaming dad for not saving mom and dad being aggressive when Ryan slipped up with school and other bad choices Ryan made. Ryan figured what better way to settle his anger than getting out on the front lines to do some constructive destruction. To prove his confidence, he immediately signed up for Delta force.

Boot camp was always a bitch as the officers and movies depicted, and being in Delta meant more intense training. Ryan didn't put thought into the brutality of the training. He only set his mind to endure the pain and physiological stress put on him and get through it. In the end, Ryan's determination was vindicated when he managed to make it along with the 30% of the soldiers who earned the achievement. With most of the hard stuff finished, he was now able to get through the rest of training and be issued his weapon and be ready to fight.

The U.S. armed forces, including Delta Force, did have uses around the world with the ever expanding unrest between nations and extremist factions popping up and threatening the safety of the United States and its allies. In the global situation, Private Military Contractors ran rampant with mega deals with countries and corporations under heavy attacks from extremist factions emerging all around the world. For PMCs, the job was to find the clients' enemies and use whatever force that was required to eliminate their enemies. The terrorist and revolutionary groups mostly rose from corporate occupation of land and their influence on the governments of second- and third-world countries. People began to bring up arms against the changes only to be singled out and crushed by the unimaginable fire power the contractors and government military brought against them.

The U.S. government's enemies were the ones who brought harm to its allies and its people. Because big businesses and grand scale capitalism were mostly American in nature, terrorists blamed the nation and its citizens with their problems. The PMCs were always reluctant to work in tandem with the U.S. armed forces or other first world country government military because their profits and stocks would diminish if they weren't the ones cutting the heads of the vipers for their clients. But when they were forced to comply, they tried to provide the minimum amount of support possible while focusing all their power and ordinance to the untouched clients as to maximize their profits.

Units like Delta Force were deployed on raids on enemy camps for Intel, destroying weapon stockpiles and killing or capturing the terrorist leaders. Ryan's unit was deployed frequently and he saw quite a bit of action during his tours. He had his own thoughts on the PMCs, and he did believe at first that the soldiers in Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines were fighting to keep the homeland and the people of the world safe.

That part was true in a way after getting through the bloodshed, but the thing that discouraged Ryan was how much fighting he and the soldiers put up. No matter how much damage they did to each terrorist group, another group would arise to take a previous one's place. Aside from the seemingly endless fighting, the fact that many of the enemies that Ryan fought against were just kids was one of the realities that took the toll on him. Ryan hardly noticed the toll as he drank heavily to drown it out.

But halfway through his service, in between his tours of duty, he met Katherine. One day at the local bar, he found her and decided to try and woo the little woman. She was rather beautiful but what set her apart from the other women he talked to was that she was sweet and not very demanding like the others. When their relationship started, it was after the third date, a movie; they decided it was time to sleep together. After that, Ryan knew it was love that pulled them together. Katherine loved him for being a devoted man and how he fought for the people of the country they were born in. She believed he was a man worth waiting for after being sent back to the frontlines.

The engagement ring was hard to get but he managed it and when he proposed, it was the moment she was waiting for and she immediately said yes. In the middle of the constant fighting and bloodshed he stood in the middle of, this would be the part of his life that could humanize him. It was the thing to look forward to after each of his tours was done. A family was a person's dream and his would come true.

But the car accident that came a week before the wedding ended all his hopes. Ryan felt shattered when he saw the body of his fiancé hanging from the seat of the upside down car after he crawled out still alive. When he watched the cremation at the furnace, he felt all the happiness he had as a child and what he held onto to burn away with Katherine's body. To only add to the broken glass, his father died of bronchitis shortly after Katherine. Ryan never spoke to him ever since he left for Delta. He would have felt terrible but in his state, he felt completely hopeless and drained of all hope. He had lost everything that could humanize him.

Once his service was finished, he felt he didn't have anywhere else to go. He knew about Pandora and the great pay and benefits for the soldiers who worked up there. He didn't have much else to go so why not try to get up there to earn a few extra dollars when money was hard to come by in the times. He signed up and he was chosen to ship out on the shuttle. He was put into the cryo-chamber; he closed his eyes and felt himself in a total freeze frame as the chamber activated.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Darkness; that was all Ryan could see, all that he could feel. That was until he felt his body return to him as his vision came too. He moved his eyes around to see the interior of his cryopod. His body felt stiff and cold like every part of his body was frozen from the inside. As seconds passed, he moved his head around when he felt his muscles began to thaw. Moving hurt when pain returned to his nervous system.

_So far so good_

He actually welcomed the pain because it meant he was still alive. When he was on duty, he thought about falling asleep and not waking up many times. Back then, it was a terrorist cutting his throat in his sleep. Now, it was sleeping with more what ifs; organ failure from a cryo malfunction, an error in navigation sending him and the crew off course into the endless darkness of space never to be seen again, or even crashing into an unseen obstacle and being consumed with the ship. But seeing that he could see again and he felt pain, his luck of staying alive was still working.

He felt the bottom of the pod move and he moved with it as it slid out of the chamber. When the platform stopped he looked to his left and right and saw the wide interior of the ISV ship passenger compartment. The other pods next to him opened with their occupants were slid out of their chambers. As more pods opened he saw other bodies move through the air to a number of the pods. _The engineers_, Ryan recognized; the ones who were thawed first to assist the others who didn't freeze themselves for a living. He watched as one of them flew over his pod and stopped over two pods over where he was.

"Are we there yet?" the occupant asked the engineer.

"Yeah sunshine, we're there." The engineer replied as he began to release "Sunshine's" harness. Carefully the engineer went through the procedure to make sure that the recruit was still healthy after the long nap. Once he was finished and the recruit was healthy, he released him and moved on to the next pod. His turn came and he made it through the steps and was released.

"You've been in cryo for five years, nine months and 22 days. You will be hungry, you will be weak."

_Hungry and weak; feeling it all around._ _Good to go._

Ryan floated across the ship up to his locker and turned the handle. All of his belongings were there where he left them that long ago. Once he collected his belongings and downed his uniform, he moved with all the other employees to the docking station. They were as clumsy as he was moving in zero G to the gate but everyone managed to get there without any major accidents. Once inside the airlock, the other door opened and everyone filed into the Shuttle. Ryan patently moved though and followed instructions to stow his bag and strap in. Once everyone else was strapped in and the imported supplies for the base were aboard and secured, the ride down to the planet would begin. Ryan heard a loud clamping sound and he felt himself move around in his seat. They were detached and free. After so many combat missions, it felt natural for him to sit and wait for either his death from being shot down or proceeding to enter the combat zone and be ready to die in the opening moments exiting the transport.

"Attention passengers," the shuttle pilot said over intercom after a few minutes of sitting in zero G. "We are entering the planet's atmosphere. Gravity will return and we will experience major turbulence. Remain in your seats and brace yourselves."

As Ryan put his hands up to the straps and put himself into the brace position, he could feel the shock of aircraft surge through him. The returning gravity pulled down on him. He felt his muscles moved around his body and he felt his bones rattle. It lasted for a few minutes but the intensity gradually subsided over that time. Now, the ride was smooth like the airliners when they reached altitude.

Ryan released his hands from his harness, leaned back and relaxed his body. He wasn't really scared about flying in an aircraft even if it was over hostile territory. The tension he was experiencing must have been from traveling in a trans-atmospheric vehicle that burned hot when entering a planet's atmosphere and was more likely to be incinerated before it even got near the surface. But regardless, he was still sitting in his set and breathing and his years of service taught him to keep his mind together.

After another ten minutes of smooth flying, the pilot spoke on the speakers again.

"Attention passengers, we are approaching Hell's Gate. Crew members, prepare for landing procedures."

"Exopacks on, exopacks on! Let's go, exopacks on." An officer stood from his seat down the row and began to walk down the row.

"Remember people you lose that mask, you're unconscious in 20 seconds, you're dead in four minutes. There'll be nobody dead today looks very bad on my report."

_Wouldn't want to make you look bad,_ Ryan thought to himself as he activated the valve and felt his mask seal to his face. He felt the aircraft slow down and the moment of the craft switched to going down and not so much forward. They were about to land, Ryan thought. And sure enough he felt the craft bounce when the landing gear touched ground.

"Harnesses off, get your packs! Let's go."

Along with everyone else, Ryan grabbed his pack from under him and stood up along with the others on his side of the shuttle. Well, everyone except one who stayed in his seat.

"The ramp goes down, you go directly into the base do not stop. Go strait inside wait for my mark." The officer put down his mask after he gave his instructions. As soon as he did, the ramp cracked open and began to lower down. Ryan felt the warm and humid air brush passed him as it filled the cargo bay.

"Go, go, go, go, go get out of there, keep moving…" Ryan marched out of the aircraft with the other troopers onto the pavement. As he marched he caught glimpses of the base; the hardware and the vehicles and he looked beyond the fence at the green hillsides. He hadn't seen much green in his life only in photos and videos and some in small and disappearing preservation areas around earth. It was a feeling that he didn't dwell upon as they approached the front entrance.

"Well hello ladies." It looked like they had a welcoming comity waiting at the door. "Look at all this fresh meat!" The taunting troopers said as Ryan and the group passed and filed into the base through the gate.

* * *

"You're not in Kansas anymore. You're on Pandora, ladies and gentlemen. Respect that fact, every second of _every_ day. If there is a hell you might want to go there for some R &R after a tour on Pandora. Out there beyond that fence, every living thing that crawls, flies or squats in the mud wants to kill you and eat your eyes for jujubes. We have and indigenous race of humanoids called the Navi. They're fawned of arrows dipped in a neurotoxin that will stop your heart in one minute. And they have bones reinforced with naturally accruing carbon fibers. They are very hard to kill. As head of security it is my job to keep you alive. I will not succeed. Not with all of you. If you wish to survive you need to cultivate a strong mental attitude. You got to obey the rules; Pandora rules. Rule number one..."

* * *

**Entry 1**

**May 19, 2154**

_I'm writing again, so that means I'm still alive. It feels wired sleeping for nearly six years before waking up to a weeklong hangover headache. They say you don't dream in cryo, you close your eyes and open them on another part of the galaxy. But the thing is I feel I did dream and I can't remember what it is. I think my headache's from trying to remember it so hard._

_Anyway, I'm alive and safely on the moon. Well almost safe. After getting planet side, we had our introduction by the Coronal of these parts: talks about safety and procedures and the essentials. Says this place's worse than hell. That's funny because seeing the colors of the trees on the other side of the fence seems more inviting than an underground cavern full of lava and fire. According to Coronal Quaritch, everything beyond the fence wants to kill me and strip me down to bone like the brochures said. His scare around the right side of his head basically sums that up._

_Those natives called Na'vi he talks about seem to be tough and ruthless killers too. They're humanoids like humans; hands, legs feet and a face. Only difference is they're twice the height with blue skin and they have a tail. The Coronal says they're hard to kill even though they use bows and arrows and have no real body armor to protect from bullets. The way he talks about them, it sounds like we already have an enemy._

_It's too early to take anyone's word seriously at this point so I'll have to see things out first._


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

**Entry 2**

**May 20, 2154**

_The cryo side effects must be wearing off though I still feel a little stiff. I'm assigned a verity of duties because of my skills. For now I'm assigned as a door gunner for transport ships on supply runs around the company's area of operations. I'm told after a few weeks of experience, I can request other duties like an escort for dozers on the ground and even patrol duty for keeping the critters from getting any bright ideas against the expensive equipment and settlements. New recruits are to take baby steps until they are fully alert and familiar with the schedule and environment. Today I was assigned an easy assignment to work a Samson transport chopper gun for supply drops to the mine. The mine's a large crater a couple hundred yards from the base, quite a sight to see when you see the lay of the land around it and how it deviates from the natural landscape. Haven't encountered and dangerous beasts yet though I did see some sentry turrets pop a few rounds from the top of the fences at some critters who got to close. Couldn't see them from up high, might have been just some of those little sting bats that cling to the fences like a number of troops and techs talk about._

_All and all, the hazard hasn't come in the hazard pay. But I've been on the force to know that you can't let your guard down._

* * *

The food was decent in hell's kitchen; better than M.R.E.s he had on extended operations on Earth. Ryan sat with his tray that held his Breakfast in front of him at the "new recruits table" in the mess hall. The other new recruits sat and ate their food and only a handful talked vaguely amongst each other about their impressions of the new jobs. Most of them were from the regular divisions of American and other nations' armed forces. Ryan stayed silent and hadn't talked at the table the previous two days and silently ate his food. Ryan could see a little anxiety in some of the recruits' eyes. Most of them probably haven't even encountered any danger yet and he didn't either. Things were calm for the moment without any complications with his gunner seat of the supply transport going in and out of the mining quarry.

All combat veterans knew the feeling of being on the frontlines; the fear of death from an enemy's bullet IED, or artillery round always lingers in the soldiers mind. But you learn to control it and use it to your advantage to kill your opponents before they kill you. But out here, on a different world on unfamiliar terrain, the fear of death is a different experience. On earth, you knew you would die by the hands of another human and it didn't feel as appalling. But out here, you were going to die at the hands of vicious creatures that you weren't familiar with.

"Well what do we have here?" a sly voice spoke out. Ryan tilted his head up slightly and moved his eyes to the left corners of their sockets to see a trio of soldiers standing in front of the table. The one in front was a white trooper with blue eyes with a cringe in his right eye to show his pride and ego on display. Ryan wasn't really surprised. He was actually wondering when the predators would move into intimidate their new fresh pray.

"It looks like we have a package of fresh meet on the block, Mark," the Hispanic solider to the right of the leader said.

"Do we now?" Mark leaned forward over the two troopers' at the end of the table's trays. "Well I suppose you all know what that means…"

"We do," the African American soldier on Mark's left exclaimed.

The other troopers looked at Marcus as he leaned over the table Ryan only turned his head back down to his tray.

"There is one rule on this moon ladies; survival of the fittest. I've been up here for a long time and I have experienced all the hell that you have heard of. I can tell you, it's as brutal as the coronel said, but I can tell you they are no match for badasses, especially me."

He paused to allow his gloat to simmer into the minds of the recruits before he continued.

"I've blasted through hoards of ferocious v-dogs, I've taken down a single pesky banshee with one clean shot with my revolver, hell I've even sliced the heads off of three sting bats with only my knife and my bare hand."

The other troops showed their reactions to his story. Ryan's mind was withdrawn from the situation enough to dismiss his display of pride to maintain his supremacy.

"That's right," Marcus grabbed one of the new troopers' plastic bowl of peaches, "And if you wish to survive," he dipped his hand into the peaches and pulled them out, "You've got to team up with the badassest pack and listen to the Badass who leads that pack." He took the wet peaches and shoved them into his mouth and spoke as he chewed. "And since there's nowhere to go on this moon besides here, I guess that means you are a part of the pack."

When he finished with the peaches, he reached over and took another soldier's scrambled eggs and shoved it into his mouth. The recruits stayed silent did nothing to stop him. When he finished the eggs he reached for another trooper's plate. The uneasy recruit tried to stop him but Marcus shot his arm into the recruit's arm away hard. Mark looked at the trooper with his cold look that anyone could read as "Back Off!" and he did. Mark took and shoved the toast into his pie hole and pulled back and he chewed it down. He observed the eyes on him but he noticed not all the eyes were on him.

"Well it looks like someone isn't taking the inauguration seriously,"

Out of the corner of his eye, Ryan saw the pig move around behind him and look down his neck.

"You know, it might be in instinct to defy the leader. But in the end, it might be better for you be silent and curled up and out of the way rather than ending up dead on your back out there. I suppose I can live with that."

This time, Mark's hand never reached the tray. In almost an instant, Ryan was on his feet and standing face to face with Marcus. Ryan's left hand held Mark's right wrist and his right hand latched onto the side of Mark's neck with his thumb pressing hard against his larynx while Mark's other hand gripped uselessly on Ryan's shoulder. Ryan applied just enough pressure through his thumb so it would only be hard for him to breathe but he wouldn't suffocate.

Mark's face showed pain that he tried to hide away with his even larger expression of agitation. The cafeteria was silent and mostly everyone looked at the two soldiers grip locked.

"You know," Ryan softly said. "From this angle, I can take over the pack. But lucky for you, I prefer to be the lone Wolf. And frankly, I prefer not to cause trouble; especially in the morning and on my first days on the job."

Ryan stared at Mark in his hand for a few seconds until he read that Mark's eyes showed that he would back off but not without a grudging ego. Ryan released his grip and quickly pulled his arms away from the ass hole who stepped back and rubbed his neck while keeping his "Someday you'll regret it!" look on him. After a brief pause, Mark shoved passed him and rejoined his gang and walked off. The rest of the staff in the cafeteria watched Mark exit and some looked at Ryan for a brief second before casually going back to their meals. Ryan didn't look at any of the others in the cafeteria as he sat back down to his breakfast. The other troopers looked at him a little longer the rest of the staff members did, but they too resumed their meals when Ryan stayed silent and hardly took notice of them.

The first days in and out of duty weren't as bad as he half-expected them to be.

* * *

**Entry 3**

**May 23, 2154**

_Adjustment into the crowd is going slow, and that's to be expected. I guess the tables of the cafeteria that are divided like the stereotypes in high school are proof of that. I got myself a seat with the new recruits in the jock section of the cafeteria. And it wouldn't be like high school without the main top jock making the rest of the new faces feel they're under his shadow. He made his move today on us with his pals with his pig snout hogging up some of the other troops' meals. As if he couldn't get his fill from his tray already. He made a move on me but I managed to tell him to back off in a little less-than-diplomatic way. He backed off after I released his throat. The incident could have been worse; no one got hurt, besides the a-hole who'll have a little red on his neck and throat for the rest of the day, and nothing was broken. The witnesses didn't seem appalled that much and just went back to their food and I haven't been reported yet. The first days aren't as bad as I expected so far._

_On a curious and unrelated note, I've noticed a recruit in a wheelchair that came to the moon. He's USMC or ex-USMC because it's obvious from the wheels. But the funnier part is that he dines with the egg heads. Apparently he's a part of that Avatar Program they have up here where people lay in pods to have their minds control half human, half native bodies that grew in tanks during the long trip from Earth. People say they're here to communicate with these Na'vi to learn about them and perhaps to negotiate things. That's funny because the Coronal designated them as hostiles, plain and simple. Don't know where these "negotiations" will go with one group pointing guns at the natives while the other wants to talk to them. It's been going on for almost two decades and I've only been here for four days so I can't say anything at this point._

* * *

**Author's note: **

**Update: **I was a little hasty posting chapter 4 so I've updated this with the scene that I originally envisioned. Hope your enjoying this and please give me reviews to let me know what to improve and what to go for. I'm currently working on Chapter 5 and I hope I can get that out as soon as I can without being too hasty. Thank you very much.


End file.
